Thinking about reading my CwG weekly newsletter. It usually has information that is so valuable to me in the moments I read it. 

Struggles.

Sounds strange, but when life is hunky-dory I don't seem to be as creative.  I'm a "dark artist" I guess.  My muse is my turmoil. 

I don't think it has to stay that way, but it seems to be the pattern thus far. 

Another catalyst for my creativity is just being with other people.  But not creating art or physical things - creating ideas and wisdom.  When talking with others I am in touch with a greater part of myself that has not often surfaced independently.  I find myself craving to talk with people just so I can feel this part of myself and enjoy the strength and wisdom it offers. 

I would like to see the end of my laziness.  I would like to see the end of my capitulation to my struggles.  I would like to see the end of my inaction.  I would like to see the end of my excuses. 

I read something today about how when we move to a higher consciousness, after a time the parts of ourself that do not resonate with the new self rise to the service (like a zit, it said - toxins that need to be released).  It gave me hope that I'm not a complete failure like I've been feeling.  It gave me hope that my recent struggles have been part of my growth.  I haven't lost what I gained, it has simply stepped back to allow me to work through the toxins that are now so apparrent.  The toxins which are at the surface to be released if I will but do the work to let go. 

So I seek an end to my surfaced toxins.  I seek their release and resolution.  I seek their end, so that my best self can shine bright again and move on to the next, best opportunity. 

Sinking
deeper
Losing
all sanity
Death
is upon me
My Heart
is empty
All Thoughts
are terrible and ugly

Where is my strength, my hope?        I have none.

Not feeling

                   Lonely

                                 Lost

What?
           Where?
                         When?
                                      Why?


HOW???

How so sad, so lost, so torn, so mutilated?
How unknowing when all should be known, when all wisdom is mine, how am I lost?
How do I find the path, then walk it, then keep walking it, then keep going and going? 

What path am I to walk?
Where is my strength to move?
When will this cup pass from me?
Why do I lose my balance, my focus, my love?
How am I lost in this beautiful world - without hope, without strength, without willingness?

HOW???






How lost . . .

A job. 

Right after my son was born my wife and I were both on leave from work.  We had worked out where we would be working opposite schedules and one of us would always be home with the baby.  After he arrived, we both started thinking other ideas.  She wanted to stay home with him full time.  I thought it would be great if she could do that.  So, I started looking for a job that could pay more so she could quit her job.  We both felt strongly about it, so we gave notice at our current jobs and made the revision in our plans. 

Well, it took longer than I thought to lock in a new higher paying job, and at this point I'd already left my other one (they had found a replacement).  So, the bank account was the only pay check as we waited on a particular job that just seemed like the right one.  And, of course, it came through in time and with the right offer and all that.  -click-

Maybe things clicking is usually not so labor intensive, but this is the one I think of when I think about how it just clicked.  It worked out.  Just how we needed it to.  I have always been very grateful for that. 

By whom?

I keep thinking of parts of my life that are misunderstood, but it seems there's always someone who understands.  If my family or my wife or my friends or others misunderstands me it seems one of the other of them gets it.  Fully. 

So I guess my answer is I don't feel misunderstood on the whole.  Only if I look at particular relationships.  And that's not the best way for me to look at it.  I guess I like being understood.  :) 

In a familiar environment. 

Sometimes I get uncomfortable meeting new people when I'm also in a new place (one thing at a time, right?).  When I'm with friends/family, in a familiar place, or something like that then I think it's easier to extend myself in meeting new people.  Otherwise I'm taking in too many new things at once and I don't focus on the new person as well.  I'm much less self-conscious when I'm grounded in something familiar. 

Watching my boy, listening to the baby in my wife's belly, watching sunsets/sunrises, snow falling, the wind on my face, autumn leaves, an outside nap on a warm day, Christmas lights. 

Not currently. 

I have recently recognized how beneficial some routines, schedules, rituals, and patterns could be for me.  I'm actually working on developing some that I'm willing to commit to.  The only ones that come naturally for me are how I like the towels folded or where the dishes are supposed to go in the cupboard. 

What I really need is to embrace routines as something that gives me strength and frees me.  Not as something that limits me.  I've been obsessed with my "freedom" from a very young age.  I believe my choices to not accept routines and "rules" have hindered my growth.  I get stuck and don't know my way out because I don't have routines that draw me forward in life no matter what. 

So that's what I'm working on.  Some rituals, routines, a schedule.  Something to be constant.  As Lao Tzu has said, "Appropriate rituals channel your emotions and life energy toward the light. Without the discipline to practice them, you will tumble constantly backward into darkness."  This was a great question so I could go public (and, therefore, be liable) with my plan.  Wish me luck!